Foggy Thoughts on a Rainy Day

Do you ever feel like a salmon trying to swim upstream, but falling behind? That's how I've been feeling lately. There's just so much going on and I feel like it all rests on my shoulders. First and foremost is my son's education, of course. Trying to get him set up with services and whatnot ... only to find out that the school hasn't been honoring his current IEP (individualized education plan -- an epithet cloaking the reality of schools doing as little as possible to achieve what is minimally acceptable) and is providing less speech therapy than they should be. That's a battle I have to fight today. The private-pay speech therapy clinic was too far, so now I have to find another. We're awaiting the start of his behavioral therapy. We're awaiting the assignment of a new caseworker be/c the old one was rude, uncaring, and didn't do her job. The house desperately needs painting in almost all the rooms, the yard needs a major amount of weeding, we have boxes of books laying around the downstairs that need to be stored somewhere permanently, and we still don't have a toilet paper holder in our master bathroom. I feel like I've been losing headway with our neighbors be/c I have so much to do, so many cares and worries, and so little time to deal with anything that I probably haven't been as friendly and outgoing as they'd hoped. And then, of course, is the mammoth amount of chores that go into keeping a household running. *sigh* I told my husband that if he ever wants to get a second wife, I'd be happy to share my duties with her!!! He, unfortunately, has declined the offer.

I sometimes look around and can't believe that this is my life -- the once so-optimistic and energetic young woman is flagging and weary. I have grey hair, which I'm working very hard to keep dyed blonde and aches in many joints. Is this maturity or overwork?

I feel like I've lost touch with so many people. Such is the specter of autism, I guess. It envelops the whole family in a cloud of lapsed phone calls and scattered energies. Am I struggling with depresson? Most certainly I am. Who wouldn't, given the same circumstances? This whole experience would be difficult enough if I were living in a familiar area, surrounded by family and long-time friends. Living in a new state, in a new house, with new people around, and no stabilizing comfort of those who truly understand makes my life even more challenging.

I miss driving around with friends, listening to Billy Joel, and eating French Fries.